


Behind Blue Eyes

by luxshine



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-21
Updated: 2011-03-21
Packaged: 2017-10-17 04:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luxshine/pseuds/luxshine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howie is a little too trusting for his own good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mysoulunfolding](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=mysoulunfolding).



> This was one of my DWNOGA's stories for 2006.

Howie was tapping the floor with his foot, trying not to show he was nervous.

They were supposed to meet their latest candidate for the -now named- Backstreet Boys. The third in less than six months. Howie didn’t want to say anything, but he was starting to believe the group was not going to happen. Every time someone left, Howie felt a little less hopeful about the band. When he closed his eyes, he saw an unending line of auditions in his future.

Kevin Richardson didn’t have the best voice in the world, but he was willing to work hard and Howie still thought they could make it as a four member band. He would even have considered a trio, but Lou wanted a five member band, and since it was Lou’s money behind everything, Lou had to get what he wanted. Realizing that they couldn’t get started without a fifth member, Kevin had suggested his cousin, saying he was perfect for the group, and while everyone else was on board with the idea, Howie wasn’t sure.

“How long before he gets here?” he asked, not wanting to look at his watch.

“He told me that his flight would arrive at 10,” Kevin didn’t look worried. But Howie figured he wouldn’t. He hadn’t lived through the let down of losing four members already.

“What’s your cousin like, Kevin?” Nick asked. He sounded a lot more hopeful than what Howie felt.

“Oh, he’s a fun guy.” Howie rolled his eyes, discreetly. While he had nothing against Kevin, he was sure he didn’t look like a guy who knew what fun was. In the short time they had known each other, Howie had pretty much pegged Kevin as a highly-focused individual who wouldn’t let silly things like ‘fun’ get in the way of his goals.

And of course, that didn’t ease Howie’s fears about cousin Brian.

“You mentioned he was very religious to Lou,” Howie mentioned almost off-handedly. He didn’t actually want to make small talk, but it helped pass the time. Besides, he remembered that that this particular tidbit had confused him, since he thought that if someone was devoted enough to have it mentioned as a characteristic trait, then maybe that someone was not material for the things that could go backstage in Orlando.

“A little,” Kevin smiled. “We sang together in the church choir back home, and he never misses mass, but I basically just told Lou that to ease his fears. He said he wanted someone to fill the ‘good guy’ slot.”

Howie sighed. The one thing he really hated about the way in which Lou was forming the group was the sinking feeling of being encased in a stereotype. Nick was ‘the younger brother’, AJ ‘the rebel’, Kevin ‘the serious one’, and of course, Howie was ‘the latin boy’, even when he was not exactly latin. And of course, they were all straight as ramrods. Lou said that the fans wouldn’t tolerate anything else. He decided against saying something else, wondering what would happen if Lou decided Brian wasn’t good enough for the ‘good boy’ label. Maybe they would go back to square one, maybe *Kevin* would take offense and leave if Brian didn’t make the cut.

“Hi, I’m sorry we’re late. The flight was delayed.” The thick, southern accent pulled Howie out of his pessimistic thoughts, and he turned to see the newcomer. When he did, he had to concentrate on keeping his mouth tightly shut.

Brian Littrell was gorgeous. There was no doubt he was related to Kevin, even if his face was a bit wider than his cousin’s. His eyebrows were thinner, his brown hair was lighter and curled just a little over his forehead, and his blue eyes mesmerized Howie so quickly that he couldn’t actually see anything else.

And he found himself wishing that the fifth time was the charm.

* * *

There was a fine line between a harmless fun prank and what Nick liked to do, Howie mused as he tried washing his hair under the sink.

Four years together, and he still was the favorite target of their youngest member. Nick would never dare to put honey in Kevin’s hair care products.

“Nick got you again, huh?” Brian entered the dressing room still wearing his werewolf outfit for the video shoot.

“Sometimes I think he hates me,” Howie muttered morosely. It was true. While Nick’s pranks got everyone to smile, Howie feared that they were Nick’s way of telling him he really didn’t want him there.

“He just likes the attention,” Brian said, and Howie almost swallowed water when he felt Brian’s warm hands on his scalp. “You’re the only one who really reacts to his jokes.”

“You act as if I didn’t know you help him sometimes.”

“Just a little.” Brian was smiling, Howie was sure of that even if he couldn’t see his face because he had water in his eyes. “I swear I had nothing to do with this one. I know how you are about your hair.”

With Brian’s help, he finally got all the honey out. Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he groaned. His previously straight hair had gone curly again. The hairdresser was going to kill him because there was no way they would be able to fix it in time for the choreography scene.

“It looks fine,” Brian said, putting his head on Howie’s shoulders. Howie realized he had said the last part out loud. He looked at the mirror again, trying not to focus on Brian’s twinkling eyes.

“You think?” he asked, thankful that his voice didn’t hitch. He could feel Brian’s breath against his neck.

“Yeah, more natural. More you.”

Howie swallowed a little, trying to calm his heart while Brian playfully teased his hair a little more before leaving the small room.

“I’m going to hell,” Howie muttered, once that he was sure he was alone.

Ever since he had seen Brian for the first time, he had been attracted to him. Howie wouldn’t go as far as to call it ‘love’, but it was a definitive crush, and it had grown as the years had gone by.

Brian had managed to get through all of Howie’s carefully constructed defenses and misgivings. Not only did he have a great voice, he was actually a fun guy as long as one didn’t mind that every Sunday morning, no matter if they had been up all Saturday night working, no matter if they were in the middle of nowhere, Brian would go to church. And as time passed, Howie had found himself loving everything that made Brian smile.

Even Nick’s juvenile pranks.

Trouble was, he was sure nothing would ever happen between them. Not because Brian really was the most religious person Howie had ever met, or because Brian was so straight that bending him just a little could break him. All those were small obstacles that Howie could try to get over.

The reason why he would never try anything was his cousin, Kevin.

And it was not only because Kevin was a head and a half taller than Howie.

Truth to be told, Howie was deathly afraid of Kevin, especially because the other man was obviously devoted to his family and their well being.

While Howie was sure that if he tried, he could eventually seduce anyone he wanted, that Kingsley was right and everyone was at least a little bit bisexual, he was sure that he didn’t want to risk Kevin’s wrath if he happened to get involved with his younger cousin.

“D?” Speaking of the devil, Kevin pocked his head trough the door, still in his Jeckyll/Hyde makeup, that made him look even more terrifying. He was already wearing the costume for the dance number, and the whole thing made the effect disturbing. “Fatima wants to see you.”

“I’ll be there in a moment,” Howie answered, forcing himself to smile and wishing his heart would stop beating as if he was a scared rabbit facing a hungry wolf. Even if he felt like a very scared rabbit.

“Say, have you seen Brian?” Kevin’s tone didn’t help at all. Howie felt his blood freeze in his veins.

“He left just a minute ago.”

“Hm. Thanks.” Kevin left, and only then Howie allowed himself to breathe.

He wasn’t going to hell. He was already in hell.

Kevin seemed to have radar when it came to Brian, and sometimes Howie swore Kevin had to have some sort of mind reading powers.

It was the only explanation as to why he would come looking for Brian just seconds after Brian had left Howie’s company, or why he turned around to see Howie just when Howie was picturing how soft Brian’s lips would feel if he dared to kiss him.

“Are you ok, Howie? You look a little pale.” Kevin came back, proving Howie’s theory once more. The man had to have hidden cameras on the dressing rooms, and that was, if not a little kinky, really disturbing.

“Sure. I’m fine. I just feel a little bit cold,” Howie lied.

He was burning in hell.

* * *

There was something weird about the Kentucky Wonder Cousins that Howie didn’t pretend to understand, not after almost five years of knowing them.

Brian was, to all outward appearances, a very sweet and innocent young man, highly devoted to his religion, who was quickly becoming Nick’s best friend to Howie’s despair. Not because he wanted to be Nick or Brian’s best friend, but because before, Brian only helped Nick with his pranks sometimes and since they had become inseparable, Nick’s torments grew exponentially. Sure, Brian was always there to help Howie lick his wounds, but that made Howie feel worse.

Because while Brian was apologizing and helping him to scrub the black ink from his arms, Howie was picturing himself bending Brian over the sink and kissing him senseless, Brian only saw Howie as a good friend, if a little too serious which was why he was always ended up being the victim of Nick’s pranks. Howie, on the other hand, was starting to fear that ‘crush’ didn’t quite describe his feelings for Brian.

And then, there was Kevin.

Kevin was the most serious person Howie had ever met, which made him perfect to answer the most difficult questions during interviews, but behind that seriousness there was a hidden mean streak and a dry black humor that made everyone who knew him tremble. There had been a time, for example, when Kevin had told Nick that if he ever messed with Howie’s hair care products again, he was going to strip him naked, paint his hair green, and let him alone outside one of their hotels with the fans.

The truth was that, while everyone had laughed, no one was completely sure that Kevin was just kidding.

Nick had never tampered with any bottle again, because they all knew that Kevin could remember that kind of thing for a long time. In fact, Howie couldn’t help but fear for anyone who had ever made Kevin angry, from *N Sync – whose only sin was, apparently, existing – to Nick, to the reporter who had called them ‘a badly done copy of the New Kids on the Block’. Howie was sure that as soon as he had the money, Kevin would be putting rewards on all their heads.

Nick would be spared from that, Howie supposed, because they needed him to sing. Nick would probably be tortured and brainwashed into submission, because Kevin surely was that evil.

So when Kevin kept appearing behind Howie whenever Brian had just left, Howie couldn’t stop his mind from picturing his dead body lying in a ditch.

Especially when his thoughts had gone from ‘kissing’ Brian to doing a lot more interesting things with Brian’s sexy mouth, hands or, after the filming of the Quit Playing Games with My Heart video, Brian’s back and abs.

That video was downright pornographic, Howie knew, which didn’t stop him from pausing his copy of the DVD from time to time on the exact frame where he could see Brian’s wet face.

On the plus side, now he was sure that Kevin couldn’t actually read minds, because if he did, Howie would be a dead man.

Howie couldn’t help but feel as if he was a ball in a pin pong tournament between the two cousins. Brian would come to talk with him in his hotel room, or the dressing room, and it would be a perfectly innocent conversation; two friends having fun and passing the time together, until Brian would say something absolutely innocuous that would send Howie’s mind spiraling into very dark thoughts. Like how fun it had been to actually do the wet shirt scene even if they had been freezing cold.

While Brian said it to mean just that, that he had fun despite the cold, Howie’s brain was focused on replaying how Brian had looked like with the wet shirt clinging to his skin. Then, when he was still mentally trying to talk his body out of showing exactly what those mental images did to him, Kevin would come in, and that worked better than a cold shower.

Because Kevin would always had the same disapproving glare on his eyes, the one that told Howie that even if the other man wasn’t sure of what Howie was thinking, he had a very close idea of it anyway.

And things only got worse when Brian introduced them to his girlfriend.

Because then, Howie couldn’t fool himself anymore. It wasn’t just a crush, and the cold, chest-gripping feeling he had every time Brian mentioned Lieghanne was jealousy.

Somewhere while thinking that he was not going to seduce Brian Littrell, Howie had fallen in love with his band mate.

With his straight, girlfriend having band mate.

* * *

Once Howie convinced himself that he would never have Brian, no matter what, he found he could relax himself around his friend and stop worrying about his feelings. Once he managed to get past the fact that Lieghanne had won even without knowing she was competing, he had learned to like her. He had never had any chance against her anyway. She was nice, funny and the perfect girl for Brian.

Some days, Howie hated her.

Around her, Brian seemed to shine. He was nicer to everyone, he even stopped helping Nick with his pranks, something that Howie only noticed because they became less effective. When he was not distracted by Brian, it was easier for Howie to anticipate Nick’s intentions. When Lieghanne was around, Nick redoubled his efforts against Howie, but now Howie knew what to expect, and he was only caught off-guard when there were cameras around and Nick’s pranks were less involved.

Like licking his forehead in front of the cameras, or short-sheeting his bed.

The other difference was that now AJ was the one who helped Howie to deal with the aftermath. AJ, who was a lot less merciful than Brian, and usually planned how to get even with Nick, even though Howie wasn’t interested in revenge.

“You shouldn’t let people take advantage of you this way,” AJ said one day, while they were carefully undoing the knots on Howie’s shoelaces. It had been an involved project for Nick, as he had managed to tie the sholaces of all of Howie’s pairs into one single knot. “As long as you don’t defend yourself you’ll end up as everyone’s punching bag.”

“I’m not Nick’s punching bag,” Howie sighed. That much was true. Even if he was unwilling to lower to Nick’s standards, he still wasn’t a punching bag.

“I’m not talking about Nick,” AJ answered, smirking.

Howie couldn’t make him explain what he was talking about, no matter how much he tried.

“AJ’s worried about you,” Kevin told him one day, when they were getting ready for an interview. Brian was outside, talking with Leighanne, and AJ was distracting Nick. That left Howie alone with the oldest member of the group, which still wasn’t a situation he enjoyed.

While Kevin seemed to let Howie alone now that Brian had a girlfriend, there were still times when Howie thought that his bandmate could tell exactly what he was thinking.

“He shouldn’t be, I’m fine.” Howie wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation. In his mind, he was reviewing all that he had to say, all the questions that were usually asked.

“It’s just that we feel that we’ve left you alone with Nick all this time, just because we don’t like to be apart at nights,” Kevin continued, looking at his hands. “And we’re worried because we know that Nick has been bothering you lately.”

“He really doesn’t bother me, Kev.” Howie smiled, weakly. He really didn’t want Kevin offering to change rooms with Nick. Sharing a room with Nick might mean wake up to find all his shoelaces tied, but sleeping in the same room with Kevin? That was simply not an option. Howie felt sorry for AJ, having to share his room every night with him.

“Yeah, well. Tonight Nick will get the single room,” Kevin told him, still looking at his hands. “That means you’ll be sharing with Brian.”

“Brian is staying with Leigh,” Howie pointed out, looking up startled. The arguments about their sleeping arrangements had become legendary once management started paying for more than one room. At first, Kevin insisted that he and his cousin share one of the doubles, but for the past few months, he seemed fine sharing his room with AJ. Then Kevin usually insisted that Brian share the other double with Nick, ostensibly, Howie supposed, to protect his hair from Nick’s pranks. Howie didn’t mind sleeping in the single room, but sometimes he did missed the company.

In theory, sleeping in the same room as Brian sounded good, but Howie wasn’t going to trust his good luck yet. Not if Kevin was making the arrangements.

“Well, yeah. She’s leaving in the afternoon.“ Kevin didn’t elaborate, and he muttered something that could’ve been ‘poor girl’ or ‘damn girl’, Howie didn’t know. He hoped it was the former, because if it was the later, then Kevin was taking his overprotection of his cousin a little too far. “And this would be the first time you share a room with Brian, so. Well. You know. Brian can be very particular about things.”

“I know, Kevin, don’t worry.”

“You know?” Kevin turned to see him, his eyes full of suspicion. Howie swallowed, nervously.

“Yeah. I mean, about how he likes to read the bible before going to sleep, and pray every morning? I don’t mind.”

Kevin seemed satisfied with that answer, as he just nodded and left. It was only then that it hit him.

He was going to share a room with Brian.

He was going to be sleeping mere feet away from Brian.

Sighing, he lowered his head. It was going to be a long, sleepless night.

* * *

A month later, Howie didn’t know what to think about the sleeping arrangements.

AJ and Kevin always shared a room, no matter what. That was not up for discussion, and the one time Brian had asked about it, wondering if AJ wouldn’t like to switch rooms with him they argued for hours about it, and it ended with AJ and Kevin sharing one of the double rooms and Brian sleeping in the hotel across the street. The subject was never broached again after that.

Which meant that more often than not, Howie found himself rotating between Brian, Nick and the single room, although he almost never got that one on account of Nick’s girlfriends.

Rooming with Nick had become easier now that Lieghanne wasn’t with them. For some reason, he seemed to ease up on the pranks, and Howie assumed that it was because Brian had talked to him. While he kept opening the shampoo bottle first on the sink before actually using it, he had almost gotten to relax. Howie had hopes that Nick had finally outgrown the necessity of using him as a target.

Rooming with Brian on the other hand was becoming increasingly difficult.

The very first night, after Kevin had more or less warned Howie that he was going to be keeping an eye on them, Howie entered the room and spotted Brian, shirtless and wearing only a pair of old pants that fell to Brian’s hip very haphazardly. He was lying on his bed, reading Jive’s latest memo, his hair still damp from a shower, since he was keeping the towel around his shoulders.

Howie had to cough because his throat closed at the sight.

The second night he had gone into the bathroom to wash his face before going to sleep only to see Brian’s briefs casually thrown on the floor. He had tried not to think about it, not to even mention to Brian that he knew he was going to sleep without anything besides those very old pants that looked as if they were going to fall off at any second. He had tried not to pray that the pants would fall, and he tried very hard to concentrate on what Brian was telling him as he went back to the room. Something about Nick, or Kevin, or AJ, or maybe something about the weather.

The truth was that Howie was too busy trying not to think about Brian to actually hear to what Brian was telling him.

“We haven’t talked in a while,” Brian said, suddenly. There was something in his tone that made Howie pay attention again. “I missed your conversation.”

“I’ve been here all the time,” Howie said, trying not to blush. Brian was watching him with a very weird intensity, his blue eyes burning holes in Howie’s mind. “You were just busy. I mean, not that I think you were ignoring me or anything. Just, you know, busy. Nick did say that you weren’t spending much time with us either. Because of Lieghanne.”

“Oh, I guess you’re right.” Brian nodded, smiling. It was a warm smile, the same he had given him the day when he had helped him to get the honey out of his hair. “But she’s gone now, so it’ll be like old times, right?”

Howie smiled. Inside, he was starting to pray that Lieghanne came back soon.

* * *

Being pelted by French fries at breakfast was not the best way for Howie to start his day. He sighed, wondering exactly why he had wished for Lieghanne to join their tour again.

For three months, he had been almost always sharing his bedroom with Brian, torturing himself with everything he would never have.

It had been three months of being lulled to sleep by Brian’s funny anecdotes, by Brian’s breathing. Three months of waking up to see Brian’s face first thing in the morning. Sure, there were mornings when they were on the bus, and so Nick was also there, but with Brian once again in the middle, his teasing had become more intermittent.

Howie suspected that Brian had talked to him again.

But then, for the last month of the tour, Lieghanne had come back, and she had brought with her a friend of Kevin’s, Kristen. And suddenly, Kevin wasn’t that eager to share his room with AJ. They were getting three double rooms and AJ was rooming with either Nick or Howie, not always in a good mood.

Nick’s tortures started again, and while Howie was very patient –some of his closest friends called him practically a saint- he had his limits. And he reached those limits watching Brian giggle at something Lieghane said just as a French fry hit him between the eyes.

“Nick, why do you hate me so much?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm.

“I don’t hate you,” Nick frowned, confused. “I’m bored.”

“Then why do you always pester me?” Howie tried not to sound angry, but Nick was eighteen now. His window of opportunity to bother him because he was bored was long gone.

Nick shrugged. “You’re always taking things too seriously. You need to laugh a little more.”

Howie rolled his eyes, and looked again at the other table where Brian was giving Lieghanne a French fry to bite.

“Poor Liegh,” Nick suddenly said, out of the blue.

“What do you mean?” Howie looked at him, puzzled.

“Well, its obvious Brian doesn’t love her. She’s only going to get hurt the longer this goes on.” Nick shook his head. Howie looked at him, confused, then back at the happy couple, just as Brian was whispering something into Lieghanne’s ear. Whatever it was, it made her blush.

How could Nick think Brian didn’t love Leighanne? To Howie they looked like the very definition of a couple in love.

“Brian loves her,” Howie finally said. “I mean, it’s Brian. He wouldn’t be with her if he didn’t love her.”

At that, Nick looked at him with a startled expression, before laughing so loud that Brian and Lieghanne turned to see them. Mortified, Howie shook his head, as if to tell them that Nick had gone insane, nothing out of the ordinary.

When Nick finally got his laughter under control, he looked at Howie with something that looked a lot like pity.

“Man, you really should talk to Kevin,” Nick said, still laughing. “I mean, really.”

Nick left Howie alone, still laughing. Howie sighed. He had no idea what was Nick talking about, but he was not going to talk to Kevin about Brian, especially not about Brian’s love life.

Besides, knowing Nick? It was probably another prank.

* * *

Later, much later, Howie would claim as his only defense that he took people at face value. No one actually believed him, and when the story of how everything had ended up happening was told, to friends, to relatives, and to rival boybands when getting drunk together, he always wanted to crawl under the table since he had to admit he had been very blind for the best part of seven years, give or take.

The day everything came crashing down was one early morning in Belgium, as they were beginning the European leg of the Millennium tour. The day before, Kevin had handed them the keys for the hotel rooms, which had Howie as the lucky owner of the single room for at least a week, and he planned to enjoy it.

Until the door of the room opened to let a very angry Brian inside.

“Mind if I crash here? I can’t talk to him right now,” he said, passing next to Howie and laying down on the bed.

Since Howie couldn’t remember seeing Brian angry before, he worried. Brian being angry had to be right there in the list of ‘signals of the upcoming apocalypse’, next to ‘Kevin being friendly to *N Sync’.

“To whom?” he asked, weakly. In any case, he had to get Brian out of the room. There was no way he would’ve able to sleep if he had to share the bed with him. He had tried, sharing it with the other four, but even if he managed to fall asleep, he never really rested knowing Brian was mere inches away in the same mattress.

“Kevin,” Brian answered, not opening his eyes. Sighing, Howie sat on the bed. It was rare that the cousins argued. It was even weirder that Brian would share anything about those discussions with someone else. “He’s being an idiot.”

Howie frowned, looking at Brian. Whatever had happened, it sounded serious. “Is there anything I can do?”

At his question Brian finally opened his eyes, looking straight into Howie’s. He seemed to be considering something, because there was a calculating coldness that Howie couldn’t remember having seen in his friend’s gaze before.

“You can stop me if I’m wrong,” Brian whispered, and, without any more warning, rose to meet Howie’s lips.

At first, Howie didn’t know how to react. Brian was kissing him. *Brian* was kissing *him*. His almost-love of seven years, his unattainable crush was sitting on his bed, kissing him softly. And then Howie was reciprocating because it was Brian. He had wished for this moment ever since the day when they had met, when he had seen Brian’s blue eyes and Brian’s sweet smile for the first time.

It was only then when he remembered why Brian was unattainable. He shouldn’t be kissing Brian because, first and foremost, Brian had a girlfriend. And second, he was straight.

Gathering all his will, he managed to separate himself from his friend, and looked into his confused, innocent blue eyes.

“We can’t do this, Brian.” He managed to breathe, even when half his mind was yelling at him to kiss Brian again, to take advantage of the situation. “You have a girlfriend, remember?”

Brian looked at him with an expression that looked a lot like a pout. “I know. I’m sorry, it’s just that I… shit. No, forget it. I’m sorry, Howie.”

If Howie had been smart, he would’ve stopped everything right there. He would’ve walked out of the room and asked Kevin if it was ok to switch rooms to leave Brian alone in the single. But instead, he bit his lip and decided to ask the question that had bloomed in his mind.

“It’s just that you what?” he asked, confused. “Come on, Brian… you can’t just kiss me and then ask me to forget it!”

“No. I don’t want you to forget it, you’re right. It’s just that I couldn’t not kiss you,” Brian answered, almost whispering. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you for so long that I’ve forgotten a time when I didn’t want to kiss you.”

“But you have a girlfriend,” Howie insisted. It was not the best way to remind Brian that he was supposed to be straight and Howie knew it, but it was the only thing he could think at the moment. Brian had a girlfriend, he couldn’t be thinking about kissing him.

“Lieghanne and I broke up,” Brian confessed, lowering his eyes. He looked so broken that Howie wanted to hug him again, and erase all the pain from his eyes. “That’s why I was arguing with Kevin. And then I came here because you’re the only one who will listen to my troubles and when you asked me what could you do… I just had to try. I know you’re not interested, but I needed to know what it felt like to kiss you.”

And against that, against the raw sincerity of Brian’s words, Howie had no defense. He just swallowed, trying to gather his courage and remember why it was a bad idea.

“I’ve always been interested, I just thought you weren’t,” he said instead. But it was a mistake that ended up as a blessing since Brian’s face lit up in a beautiful smile as his friends leaned up again to capture Howie’s mouth in a more adventurous kiss.

Howie realized then that Brian was an excellent kisser. If that was thanks to Lieghanne or to another past girlfriend, he didn’t know, but the truth was that this second kiss was much better than the first. All the uncertainty, all the shyness seemed to have disappeared, now that Howie had accepted that he wanted to kiss Brian.

There was something he was forgetting, he knew that on the back of his mind, but he couldn’t think about it when Brian started taking off his shirt, stopping the kiss just to get it off his neck.

“You’re beautiful, D,” Brian whispered against his lips, capturing him again. Howie wanted to be captured. He wanted nothing but to keep kissing Brian, as all his dreams were coming true.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!” And all his nightmares too, as he finally remembered that he had forgotten to lock the door, and thus Kevin could enter at any time, just as he had done.

“Kevin, I…” Howie started to apologize, running through his mind all the possible excuses to the situation. But his left hand was just going under Brian’s pants, and his right hand was perfectly situated on Brian’s ass, and he couldn’t think of anything that would explain Brian’s red, well kissed lips.

But Kevin didn’t seem to be noticing him, his eyes centered on Brian.

“Brian, get out of here. Go to our room, now,” he muttered under his breath.

Brian let out a resigned sigh that sounded too close to a ‘yes mom’, before looking at Howie. Brian smiled sadly and got to his feet.

“Could’ve been great.” It was a strange way to say goodbye, but Howie just nodded. He was too shocked to react, as he was going to be left alone with a very angry Kevin Richardson. He knew this was it, he was going to die.

If Kevin had found AJ with Brian, Howie figured, AJ would’ve been safe. AJ had fans, he was the third most popular of the group. But Howie was usually overlooked in the popularity polls, unless it was in South America, so he knew he could be replaced. Kevin was going to kill him because he had dared to kiss Brian, his younger cousin, and he wasn’t popular enough for his absence to be noticed by the fans. He knew he should’ve asked for more solos during the recording sessions of Millennium.

There was also the chance that Kevin would let him live now, just to torture him at a later date. Howie wondered briefly if Chris would’ve willing to make a member exchange between the two groups. He could learn *N Sync’s choreographies in a short time, and he was sure that Kevin wouldn’t dare to kill JC. JC was harmless. No one wanted to hurt JC.

He hadn’t even registered when Kevin sit down next to him, as he was too busy praying for his safety.

"I'm sorry, this was all my fault. I should've listened to Nick when he told me that you didn't know how Brian was."

Howie opened his eyes and looked at Kevin, startled. He couldn’t have just heard what he thought he heard. Kevin hadn’t just assumed that the small scene in front of him had been Brian’s fault, it just wasn’t possible. Not with Howie’s hands inside Brian’s pants and on Brian’s ass.

“I... what?” he asked. He knew he should’ve kept his mouth shut, but he didn’t’ understood what was going on.

“I’m sorry, Howie,” Kevin said, handing him his shirt. “I had really hoped that Brian had changed when he started going out with Lieghanne. I knew he had it in for you, but I never thought that he would try to seduce you as soon as she broke up with him.”

“I thought he broke up with her,” he mumbled, still wondering when would the tv cameras would come out. It had to be a joke. Except that Kevin wasn’t one to joke.

“He would’ve, after he got tired.” Kevin shrugged, he looked tired. “Look, Howie, I know you want to believe the best of people, but my cousin is not someone you want to get involved with. You deserve someone better.”

Howie listened shell shocked as Kevin revealed Brian’s less than stellar past, and the more he heard, the less he believed it. Brian couldn’t have been put in an all boys boarding school at 13 because he was a trouble maker, and he couldn’t have been expelled from the same school at 16 because he had been found in a compromising situation with one of his classmates, and he couldn’t have had ten different boyfriends in that time. That didn’t sound at all like the Brian he knew.

“Brian is very good at making people believe what he wants them to believe,” Kevin said, answering the question that Howie hadn’t asked. “I’m very sorry, Howie. I know that you thought he was just being friendly to you. As you can imagine, that wasn’t the case. That’s why I tried to keep him away.”

Two hours later, Howie crossed paths with Brian. He blushed instantly, but Brian didn’t seem to care. He looked a little different. Colder.

“You talked to Kevin,” Brian said, almost bored.

“Yeah,” Howie swallowed. He needed to know. “He says that you were only playing with me. “

Brian didn’t deny it, just shrugged. That was all the confirmation that Howie needed. And as he replayed some of their conversations, he realized that Kevin was saying the truth.

“That’s not the way to treat people,” Howie finally said, sadly. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed that side of Brian before.

“Sure it is; it’s fun,” Brian smiled, a cold, calculating smile. And Howie realized it was the first honest smile he had seen on Brian’s face in seven years. Then Brian leaned closer, to whisper in Howie’s ear, making Howie shiver with his breath. “And just so you know, I always get who I want."

Howie took a deep breath. Part of him still wanted Brian, still wanted to finish what Kevin had interrupted. For seven years, he had wanted Brian, and now Brian was offering himself.

But Howie didn’t like to be played with.

"No, you don't,” he said, looking into Brian’s eyes as he stepped back. “You never got me. And you never will"

He turned around, not caring for Brian’s angry glare. He had spent seven years pining for an innocent, good natured friend that he had now learned didn’t exist. He was not going to be the toy of the guy who had made a fool of him for so long.

* * *

Brian Littrell was the younger of two brothers, and since he was very little he had learned one very good lesson. People didn’t notice what you were doing as long as they thought you were good.

That philosophy had gotten him very far in life, as people rarely ever saw past his good boy image, except when he actually got caught, like when he had been caught for charging money to let the younger kids enter the school bathroom. And as he grew older, he also found out that sometimes getting caught could bring its own rewards, like when he had been caught giving Andy McCallister a blowjob at St.Helen’s. They both had gotten expelled from the boarding school and once he was back in Kentucky fate had intervened and his cousin had invited him for the ride of his life.

In general, Brian didn’t have anything to complain about his life except for one small thing.

Ever since Kevin had managed to ruin his carefully constructed seduction plan, Howie was ignoring him.

Brian didn’t really know what it was about Howie that attracted him so much. Ever since he had seen him back at that first meeting with the group, there had been something about the older man that just called to Brian. Maybe it was the way in which Howie’s eyes lit up when he looked at him, or the way in which he smiled nervously when Brian looked straight at him.

The reason didn’t matter. What mattered was that from that moment on, Brian had decided he would have Howie. He could wait to have him, but he would have him. Howie had to be his.

The obstacles he had found in the way, like Howie’s strong iron will or Kevin’s ever-watchful eye, only made him want Howie even more. So he had been very careful, biding his time. When he discovered Nick’s love for pranks, he had encouraged his younger friend to make Howie a target, because then he would have the perfect excuse to bond with him. And it had worked fine for a long time, until he got distracted enough that Nick figured out his true intentions.

Lieghanne had been great, but unfortunately, when he focused on her, Nick had figured out exactly what Brian wanted with Howie. And when he had tried to fix things so Howie wouldn’t find out what was going on, Lieghanne had wised up, and dumped him.

She had been the first person ever to dump Brian. And while it had surprised him, he wasn’t losing any sleep over her. She had been a nice distraction, a friend, and someone who helped him to pass the time while he figured out how to get to Howie. Even better, she had been the one to provide the greatest window of opportunity to get Howie.

The old “I’m confused and I just broke up with my girlfriend because of you” line still worked.

And it would’ve worked perfectly if it hadn’t been for a stupid, unlocked door, and his meddling cousin.

Ever since Howie had figured out what Brian was really after, he had been ignoring him. At first, Brian hadn’t really cared, because he had managed to get at least part of what he wanted. Brian had kissed Howie, he had been so close to having Howie be his. But Howie’s words still echoed in his head, and Brian had to admit they were true.

He hadn’t actually gotten Howie.

And Howie didn’t seem very interested in getting caught anymore. He never shared a room with Brian, he never talked to Brian unless it was strictly necessary. He didn’t’ laugh at Brian’s jokes, and more importantly, he never let himself be alone with him.

After two weeks it was pissing Brian off.

Even more when he saw Howie laughing with AJ, or, even worse, at something that Kevin had said.

Howie was afraid of Kevin. Things worked better in Brian’s world when people feared his cousin because then no one actually believed what Kevin said about Brian’s true nature.

“Change rooms with me,” he asked Nick, after the third week of seeing Howie becoming AJ’s best friend. Nick had the single room, and Brian didn’t want to share a room with Kevin anymore.

He was seriously considering smothering Kevin with a pillow.

“What for?” Nick asked, sounding bored. “I’m not sharing a room with Howie. AJ is.”

“I know AJ is sharing a room with Howie,” Brian answered, trying to sound nonchalant and failing miserably. “I just don’t want to room with Kevin.”

“Well, I don’t want to either,” Nick said. He was busy playing with his gameboy. “And I know that AJ won’t want to, and you’re not going to ask Howie to change rooms so, no. You’ll have to stay with Kev.”

“Who says I won’t ask Howie?” Even as he asked the question, Brian knew he wouldn’t. While he was furious that Howie was ignoring him, he wasn’t going to make the first move. He was not going to go looking for him. He was not going to beg for Howie’s attention.

People begged Brian for attention, not the other way around.

Nick looked at him with a very tired expression. Not for the first time, Brian cursed the fact that Nick was really his friend, and thus he had figured out pretty much all of his tricks. Not that he didn’t like Nick, or appreciate the kid’s friendship. The problem was that sometimes Nick was as tediously moral as his cousin.

“Why do you keep pretending you don’t really want him?” Nick finally asked, even though he was still focused on his game.

“Want who?” Brian frowned. He didn’t *want* anyone. At least not in the more permanent sense of the word.

“Howie, of course,” Nick rolled his eyes. “Come on, you’ve been chasing after him for almost seven years. If you only wanted to have sex with him, you would have lost your interest long ago.”

Brian frowned at Nick’s words. That was a stupid theory. He had waited because as much as he had wanted to know how good was Howie in bed, Brian also liked being in the Backstreet Boys and hurrying his seduction would’ve ruined the group.

And his friendship with Howie.

Brian sighed. That was something unexpected. As much as he had wanted to play with Howie’s feelings, as amusing as it was to watch him blush and stammer every time that Brian said something remotely naughty, he had also enjoyed being Howie’s friend.

He missed Howie’s company.

“I don’t love Howie,” he said, trying to defend himself. But Nick only shook his head at him, and to Brian’s despair, the kid looked amused.

“I never said you loved him,” Nick said, leaving the room. “That was you.”

* * *

Brian was many things. If you asked any of his ex-lovers, he was a sorry manipulative bastard. If you asked any of his fans, he was the nicest guy born in the continental US. His parents tended to think he was only a misguided young man who needed a good example, which was why they kept sending him to boarding schools and to spend time with his cousin, who was the most boring, straight-laced guy Brian had ever met. But one thing that Brian wasn’t, was self-deluded.

He had accepted he was bisexual when he was fourteen, and since then he had avoided any sexuality crisis. God had made him that way, so it couldn’t be a bad thing, although he admitted that maybe God hadn’t meant for him to have his way with half his friends. But if God really didn’t want Brian to do that He would’ve made Brian less handsome. And while he was sure he had never loved anyone, and thus couldn’t know if what he felt for Howie was love, he knew that Nick was right. Howie was different from all his other conquests.

He really wanted Howie for something more real, more permanent than any of his past flings.

So Brian did something he never thought he would do. He decided to stop pretending in front of his friends. While he couldn’t just shed his good guy image for the public – a couple of fans would’ve fainted if they heard him swear; Hell, AJ had almost chocked on his drink the first time, and AJ knew him better than the fans - at least he could try and be sincere with the guys. And while Howie still didn’t talk to him, Brian had to admit that letting go of the mask in private made evenings more fun.

He stopped sleeping around, not that Howie noticed since he had never noticed when Brian would sneak out for a night of sex. He stopped trying to get the upper hand on everyone. He even stopped lying, except for small things like covering for Nick when Nick was late for rehearsals. But Howie still didn’t want to talk to him.

Brian was many things. He was patient, he had waited seven years to make his first move on his friend. But there was waiting, and there was waiting, and during those seven years he had the luxury of Howie’s friendship. Six months without that was too long, and so one week before the tour ended he went to his cousin and practically begged him to let him share a room with Howie just for the night.

To his surprise, Kevin agreed.

Brian was surprised to find that he was nervous, as he opened the door to the room and found Howie already inside, lying on his bed and reading a book. Howie had been letting his hair grow in the past few months, and it was falling to his shoulders. While Howie claimed that not having his hair on a ponytail made it look disheveled, Brian had to disagree. With his hair let down, Howie looked gorgeous.

“D, can we talk?”

“There’s nothing to talk about, Brian,” Howie answered, not looking up from his reading.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” Brian said, sincerely. He didn’t dare to move closer, because he knew that if he ruined this chance, he would have to go to Kevin to ask for a change of room. He wouldn’t be around if he wasn’t wanted. “I shouldn’t have played with you like that.”

“No, you shouldn’t have,” Howie agreed, still not looking at him. “But that’s in the past, so you can forget it. Apology accepted and all that.”

“Howie…” Brian took a deep breath. It was the first time in his life he didn’t have a line to back him up. More precisely, he had a couple of lines but he didn’t want to use any of them. Howie deserved better than that. He had spent many sleepless nights figuring that his brief slip with Nick had been the truth. Somewhere along the way, he had fallen in love with Howie. “I know you probably won’t believe me but I didn’t realize back then that I was telling you the truth.”

At that, Howie lowered his book and turned to see him. His dark brown eyes studied Brian for a long time, before Howie shook his head, tired.

"I already told you I'm not a toy to be played with, Brian."

“I don’t want a toy,” Brian said, feeling a bit more confident. “And I know there isn’t a lot I can say in my defense, not after what Kevin told you and what I did to you back then, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I wanted your body when I met you, I’m not going to lie about that anymore.”

“So this is all about my body?” Howie actually chuckled at that. And yes, Brian had to admit it sounded bad.

“It was about your body, yeah.” Brian had promised to himself that he wouldn’t lie to Howie. He had promised that he wouldn’t lie about the important things, and Howie was important to him. So even if it killed every chance of having more than Howie’s friendship, he was going to be sincere, if only to get Howie’s friendship again. “But then I got to know you. And I was so determined to get you, that I didn’t realized when I stopped caring about your body, and started caring about you.”

Howie looked at him for a long while, before getting up from his bed and walking towards Brian. Brian took a deep breath, nervous. This was it, his final chance. He had bet everything on one last throw.

“I used to think I would be a bad influence on you,” Howie said, slowly. “I was sure that Kevin would kill me for corrupting his cousin, because you looked so damn nice and innocent back then.”

“You were a bad influence on me,” Brian smiled, ruefully. “If it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never thought about being sincere with someone.”

“I’m not going to let you walk over me.”

“I don’t want to.”

Howie lowered his eyes, looking every bit the naive guy who had caught Brian’s attention so long ago. And then, to Brian’s eternal relief, he smiled. The same warm smile that Brian had missed so much.

“I think we can give it a second try,” Howie finally said, and before Brian could answer, he gave him a short, innocent kiss. “As long as we take it slow.”

Brian smiled. He could do that, he could take things slow and figure out how to be in a real relationship.

He could be patient, now that he knew that the reward waiting for him at the end was real love - Howie’s love.


End file.
